Dial it down a bit, Yosemite Sam.

So I work at a place of business selling computers and software solutions to (sometimes) not so grateful customers. Today when I got to work I had this beaut waiting for me in my inbox not just once but THREE times! The jerk off had sent me this email twice back to back then a third time in all bold and italics! Intimidating.

"Since you nor any of a multitude of [your] people have refused to resolve my issue with this order and my request for reimbursement of funds expended to set up the tower that was never received, I am advising you that I am cancelling the above order. I will also pursue a law suit to expose the shoddy and uncaring attitude that [your] employees have exhibited with respect to the issues at hand. I will also advise you that I have placed a hold on any credit card charges that [your company] may have charged my credit card account until such time as the reimbursement of the out of pocket expense is resolved. I am writing to you since no one else in your organization has seen fit to give me a direct phone line or email address to write to with respect to this cancellation. If for any reason the [computer] Tower shows up at my office I have instructed my people to refuse delivery and to send the package back to you. I cannot tell you how difficult it has been to deal with you and your company, but most of all your totally uncaring support people. I will make it my business to expose your business tactics to all who will listen. I have waited for 7 days for someone to call me with respect to the issues at hand and that has not happened. The only communication was a mechanized phone call advising me that the delivery date for the [computer] Tower was expected to be 07/01/2011. You yourself advised me that I should not have ordered the [computer] Tower and that I should have been given the opportunity to cancel and reorder something that was in stock and could be readily shipped. You even offered to have a person in your department call me to arrange this . This conversation took place 06/28/2011, she never called and I called you on three occasion to find out why."

I had been dealing with this guy a bit the day before so it wasn't a total shock to me but as I started reading his email, the first thing that jumps out at me was the threat to pursue legal action against this Fortune 50 computer company! (Hint: it rhymes with bell and they make computers). Do you not think this company has some VERY powerful lawyers and they don't have written clauses specifically to cover theirs ass in case an order gets delayed like this one? In fact, if you would have listened a little more closely when you placed your order with me I am required to read off a little diddy to every person I sell to. In case you forgot it, I have it memorized and it goes a little something like this: "Although we do anticipate a delay in your order we cannot guarantee these shipping dates because occasionally we run into unexpected delays in manufacturing. We would not expect any delay to extend beyond 30 days from the date of your order." BOOM! Lawsuit dismissed.

As for your claim, "you yourself advised me that I should not have ordered the [computer...]," this might fall under the same umbrella as "not listening to me closely enough." At the time we placed the order I obviously did not know this would be delayed otherwise I would have suggested a different system and avoided having any further contact with you in the future. When we spoke the second time, I was merely suggesting that instead of waiting on this delayed system to ship out we can look at a different system that is built up and ready to ship out the door to you right away. So much for me trying to help...

So often these customers are so mad they dont even want to listen to what I have to say. Hell! They don't even want my help, they just want to yell at me until I agree with them then yell at me some more because they think they have been right all along. Sorry, but I don't have time to play those games. Every minute that goes by I am held accountable for making X amount of dollars toward my exhorbant monthly sales quotas. So if you think a threating email or voicemail is going to get my attention, chances are I won't respond until the end of the day or even the next when I have time to deal with your antics. Dial it down a bit there, Yosemite Sam...

Who says men don't daydream about their wedding day?

So I think I have settled on a destination wedding in Phuket, Thailand - Aladdin themed.

Invitations will be mailed out; however, each will include a homing pigeon instead of a stamped envelope for RSVPs.

To help combat Thailand’s warm and humid climate, the wedding party will be decorated with body paint instead of the traditional stuffy tuxedos and heavily ruffled dresses.

During the ceremony I will ride in on an elephant to the Disney theme song of “Prince Ali.”

My wife-to-be will be carried in on a palanquin by 4 of the local slaves to the theme song of “Arabian Nights.”

The ring bearer will be a capuchin monkey wearing a human mask.

The flower girl will be decided pending tryouts of which local child has the best belly dancing skills.

We will read our own vows to each other from memory as they are simultaneously displayed on a big screen projector for the audience. During this presentation, as the vows are being read, they will imitate the same scrolling crawl as the opening words in the Star Wars sagas while being backed by the gentle hum of George Michael’s Careless Whisper.

We shall be wed in the Gaelic tongue by a hairless midget (or he can be albino, it really doesn’t matter as long as he is unique in some way).

Guests are urged not to bring presents but instead adopt 1 to 2 oriental or South African babies (one of each would be ideal) and bring them to the wedding to experience a little bit of the American culture.

The reception would be held in a completely blacked out dining/dancing area encouraging guests to heighten all of their senses and experience a night without sight.

Drinks and hors d'œuvres will be a mixture of local fare picked up at the market earlier that day and will include a variety freshly butchered meats. A sow & cow buffet of sorts.

The evening will culminate with a fireworks display as my supermodel bride and I ride off into the distance on a Persian carpet rigged to look as if it is flying.

We will use Cirque Du Soleil stilt performers to walk around and juggle burning torches in order to help hide the guide wires of the rug.

As a token of our gratitude in sharing our special day, all guests will receive an iPod shuffle preloaded with various songs from Lil Wayne and Owl City.

Beer Mile

For the past couple years I have been organizing a Beer Mile back in my home town right around Christmas time. We have to do it then because that is the only time that everyone is in town and can participate, even though 90% of people end up bailing anyway. The following is a video I put together of our most recent Beer Mile. I will more than likely post the original video on here as well within the next couple of days. With that I will include some more detailed instructions on how Beer Mile operates in case you want to try one for yourself but I think you will get the jist of it from the video below.

Ok, so after I posted this I realized that the quality on the player is terrible! I will look into that and see if there is anything I can do.

A Simple Hit and Run

Sticking with the creative writing theme here I think I will post another one of my in class exercises that I whipped up during my senior year of college in creative writing. This one is more of a short story told from the eyes of a teenager. The assignment was simply to write about a hit and run and we had 15 minutes to do so. (I think I secretly had my little sister in mind while writing this one) :/

A Simple Hit and Run

I guess I wasn’t really thinking clearly at the time of the accident. It all happened so fast that my body kind of took over as my mind went blank. It’s hard to explain, but, you don’t really know how you will react after crashing into a police cruiser until it happens. However, that is exactly what happened to me only about three minutes ago.

The cruiser was parked on the side of the street. I would guess that the officer was inside the local store buying donuts or something because he sure as heck wasn’t in the car. In my defense, I was going the speed limit! It’s just that I have only had my license for about a week now and I’m not very good at texting while driving yet. I don’t think anyone saw me do it, so I hurried up and put my dad’s truck into reverse, backed it up a little, then cut the wheel hard and took off like nothing had happened. The truck is smoking a lot. I’ve just been driving around trying to figure out what I’m going to tell my dad. He doesn’t even know I took his truck out tonight. It was cold and I didn’t feel like walking to Darryl’s house. Not that my parents would have let me go see him anyway. He is three years older than me and my dad says that’s “too mature” for a girl my age, but he doesn’t understand love. Besides, it’s a school night and I’m not allowed to be out past ten o’clock. Much less coming home at 1 a.m. like this!

After thinking about this little situation for a bit I only see one logical way out of it. I’m just going to go home, park my dad’s truck, and when he wakes up in the morning he will think that someone has hit it and run and I’m off the hook, simple as that!

The Worst Words I Could Have Said...

I dipped into my old creative writing folder tonight and found a few interesting tidbits that I think I will post on here over the next couple of days. Here is the first one. This was an in class exercise that we had to do in about 15 minutes. From a list of suggestions I picked the one that said, "write about the 7 worst things to say to someone who just got dumped." This is what I came up with.




The Worst Words I Could Have Said…

She told me today that he had dumped her yesterday.
I didn’t quite know what to say,
I’m never that good with these situations anyway.
I thought about, “That’s OK, he never loved you all along.”
Or, “That really sucks. What’d you do wrong?”
No, those won’t do. So I came up with a different two.
“You had a boyfriend? I never knew!”
And, “To tell ya the truth, you got what was coming for you.”
Hmm, what else could I suggest?
“He was out of your league. Close to a ten and you’re an average six, at best.”
Or, “He was your 3rd cousin removed. That’s pretty much incest!”
Who am I kidding? I can’t say any of that.
Well I need to say something…
“Uhh, he dumped you cause you’re fat.”

Struggling Athlete: Will do questionable acts for training time.

I live the life of a struggling athlete. It is a constant struggle between working enough to earn money to stay alive and finding the time outside of work to train enough to stay in shape. Both equally as important as the other because if I am not alive then obviously I am not in top physical condition, and if I am not in top physical condition then why be alive?

OK, maybe it’s not as black and white as that but seriously, when something like running and triathlons is your passion in life yet you work so much you can hardly find time in your day to enjoy it, then why work so hard? Granted, I only work 40 hours per week right now but it isn’t just the amount of hours I put in that makes it difficult, it is how the hours are distributed throughout my week.

Most of my shifts start at 3pm and end at 11:30pm. That means I am leaving my house a little after 2pm and arriving home right around midnight 5 days a week. In addition, I am not ready for bed directly when I get home from work…that’s when I feel like going out and running! Yea, at midnight in the pitch dark with no streetlights in my neighborhood!! Not the best time. So instead I stay up late eating food, writing blogs, watching hulu/youtube and generally living the life of a hermit until it is time for me to lay my head to rest, sleep in, wake up, go to work, and repeat.

What further serves to compound the problem is that I currently work in the hotel business. That means we are open and staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Weekends, holidays, overnights, national disasters, did I mention weekends? So yea, I don’t even get WEEKENDS off! Not only am I working total opposite schedules from the rest of the normal 9-5 society but I am working weekends!! However, even that wouldn’t be so bad if I regularly had 2 days in a row off each week, but my manager has decided it is better to split up our 2 off days every week so we don’t get them in one big lump and become overwhelmed with off days! After all, with 2 days off in a row I think I might forget how to get back to my workplace! That is if I remember I used to have a job after being off for 2 days...

So therein lies another problem. Anytime I want to do a race - which 99% of the time falls on a weekend and the other 1% of the time falls during the week in the evening (e.g. The Dam Mile – May, 20th 2010 @ 7pm) - I have to make sure I will be able to get off work in order to participate. Regular 9-5ers don’t have this problem. Did I mention my job required me to stand in one spot for eight hour shifts? Not walk around. No. If I get to walk around that is a treat! Much less am I able to sit down. No, I have to stand, in a suit, wearing dress shoes, for eight hours a day.

I have only been at this job for a little under 6 months now and the lack of balance in work vs. training already has me seriously considering other options ASAP. Is this what I went to college for? I know I could have gone straight into construction right out of high school and I would have had better hours than this, work weeks that would include 2 days off in a row (Saturday and Sunday), paid holidays off, probably a better hourly wage, and I wouldn’t have to stand in one spot. In fact, I would probably be encouraged NOT to stand in one spot! Can I have a redo please?

And don’t even get me started on the type of customers I have to deal with on a daily basis all while wearing a smile on my face. I will save that for another entry…

Undie Run 2010

How do you release all the pent up frustration and stress from a week or two packed with studying and finals? Well the obvious answer is clearly to run through campus in your underwear! And if you don’t agree with me then why would I be enjoying this activity with 200-300+ other UT students? I don’t know either.

The idea of the Undie Run, as it is called, is to donate the clothes off your back and run in just your underwear. It is used as a great stress reliever for many of the UT students who have just finished their finals for spring semester and want to kick off their summer with a bang. The following is my account of Undie Run 2010.

I found myself at Wal-Mart at 12:30 am the night before the big race looking for a pair of superman underwear that would fit me somewhat comfortably. Needless to say I had little success in my search and I had to settle for a boy’s size 8 underwear…in Spiderman print nonetheless. So I get home, pull my new threads out of the packaging and at first glance I think to myself, “there is no way this is gonna fit. But what the hell, I gotta give it a shot.” Now, I will spare you the details but eventually I was able to somehow squeeze myself into the too small Spiderman underwear and admire my accomplishment in the full length mirror. At the time I was still unsure as to whether or not I was going to give the general public the same pleasure of viewing the vast amount of flesh that was standing before me. I decided I had better sleep on the idea and make a game time decision the next day.

Friday brought warm temperatures and sunny skies…perfect weather for running around in one’s underwear. I donned my Spidey costume once more and after a few jumping jacks and some running in place I decided nothing was going to be unexpectedly popping out so I might as well go for it. The pre-race party was being held in a vacant parking lot with vendor tents set up around the perimeter. After donating my clothes and checking my change bag at the desk I grabbed a cheap $2 margarita and hung out in my gray "warm-up" boxers while putting out the vibe and waiting on my friends to show up.

An hour and a half later, with 1 margarita and 2 beers down to ease the tension, we all started to crowd toward the entrance of the lot. The run was about to begin. Just before everyone started to lunge forward I stripped off my gray warm-up boxers, revealing the Spiderman beneath, and gave them an exuberant toss. It just so happened that they landed on the head/shoulder of a fellow male Undie runner. He looked over on his shoulder and I can only imagine what he was thinking when he saw a pair of boxers land on him in a sea of people that were wearing nothing but underwear. The race was underway!

We took an immediate right out of the lot and I started frivolously taking pictures with my digital camera as I ran with the crowd. I was determined to document every minute of this experience for my own recollection and for the sake of sharing it with others. With so many people running we overtook the streets and drivers were forced to stop in place, most of them on their cell phones talking while hundreds of UT students ran past their cars in nothing but their underwear. Before too long we turned on to Guadalupe Street, the main drag on campus. The onlookers were hilarious! Not knowing what was going on and not expecting to see anything like this they were stunned by the sheer amount of people running by in nothing but boxer briefs, whitey tighties, panties, and the like. I did my best to capture these reactions as well as fellow runners with my moving photography.

The set course was marked at .77 miles but towards the end the crowd I was following decided to take a small detour into one of the dorm halls. Despite the extra distance this was a welcomed change of course because it lead us through a brief area of air conditioned hallways and ultimately through a lunchroom! Sadly, no one was sitting down to eat, however, there were a couple of workers cleaning the lunch room who just had to stop and stare as we came flooding through. We exited a back door that lead into a pool area with a few swimmers and sun bathers enjoying their Friday afternoon. That is until we arrived on the scene. The undie clad mob washed onto the pool deck and I even thought about jumping in before I thought better of it seeing as I was wearing mostly white underwear that was already stretched pretty thin as it was.

Our rogue race group exited the pool area at the rear and rejoined the rest of the course at a crossroads which only served to confuse other runners and cause mass hysteria with bamboozled undie runners wondering which way was up and which way was down. There were half naked people running every which direction at W 22nd ½ and Pearl St! As we turned back into the parking lot I slowed my pace and started to catch my breath, although 80% of me wanted to turn right back around and do it all over again!







Once everyone had finished, the Axe Undie Girls started throwing out free shirts to the crowd! Everybody was pushing and shoving trying to get their hands on a free Axe body cologne t-shirt. When I was finally able to snag one and escape the naked mob with my prize I was shocked to find we had been cruelly misled! What we were led to believe was free Axe schwag turned out only to be sixe XL plain white t-shirts. They were throwing them out to the crowd so we could all cover ourselves up after running around campus in our underwear! “I feel like a fool now,” I thought to myself as I used the shirt to wipe off my sweaty body then handed it to a fellow undie runner, who was still none the wiser to the complete sham that was going on all around us. “You don’t want your shirt?” the runner asked. “No, it’s not my size.” I said as I turned and walked away.

Shortly after this Undie Run buzz kill I spotted one of my fellow cross country teammates who has been living in Austin longer than I have been here yet I have only seen him once since 2003 and that was back in Cape Girardeau. I yelled out his name and he immediately recognized me. “I thought I would see you here,” he said. We shook hands and introduced our friends while reminiscing of old times. Before going our separate ways we exchanged numbers, snapped a photo together, and vowed to meet again for a couple beers or an easy run. And now that I think about it, it does make sense that of all places we would randomly meet up at the one Undie Run in Austin, TX.

With the event winding down, I threw on my change of shorts that I had brought with me and prepared to walk back to my car with my buddy Victor. Victor, however, was lazy and just remained in his boxer briefs as he threw on his backpack and started walking with me to the vehicle (sticking with the theme of being lazy, he didn't want to walk all the way to his car so I told him I would give him a ride). I was parked a few blocks away and by the time we got to my car, I had unlocked it, climbed inside, and unlocked the door for Victor he stepped inside and said, “Ya know, maybe I should have put my pants back on cause now there isn’t anyone else in their underwear and I am just getting a lot of weird looks from people.”

So there ya have it. Just another chapter in my storybook life. A chapter that I am already looking forward to adding a sequel to with Undie Run 2011…